Focusing on Our Husbands

It appears that I have broken one of my own rules in the Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life. I mentioned studying one verse per year, but I have already posted about two different verses.

Let's go back to Proverbs 31, verse 11, for a little while. The King James Bible (Cambridge edition) gives that verse as: "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."

One of the ways to interpret this verse is that the husband does not have to worry for one moment about his wife. He knows that she will manage the household with no waste and raise the children in the most nurturing way. Some interpretations include the idea that he trusts she will follow all the ordinances of his religion and teach them to their children.

A fascinating wife (as depicted in Fascinating Womanhood, by Mrs. Helen Andelin) also has to trust her husband. This can be hard to do when a wife only gives her focus to her husband when there is a problem. Because it is easy to focus on the details of raising children to the exclusion of everything else, we mothers can use many reminders to give our best to our husbands.

One of the ways a wife can proactively focus on her husband in a positive way is to make and study a list of his best qualities. See this post for more.

Praying for a husband is another very effective way of focusing on him.

There are many resources for mothers seeking a spiritual life at a blog I really like called Inspired to Action. One of the resources is a daily prayer calendar for praying for your husband. It is significant that she offers a prayer calendar not only for children but also for husbands.

Is a Proverbs 31 Challenge Impossible?

In this particular phase of our family's life, I am eliminating many tasks and responsibilities in order to focus my best abilities on being there for my family. Spending is being pared down in our household as well. It feels good to get down to the essentials.

Though there seems to be tension between the pared-down way of living and the model of the Proverbs 31 woman, my recent reading on the subject has changed my thinking about that model.

Some people say that Proverbs 31 is a model of an ideal woman's life, not to be taken as something that a "regular" woman can do and be every day of every year of her life. A twist on this thought is the idea that the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 wife can be seen as phases in a life. In one phase, a woman is the tender mother of young children. In another phase, she weaves beautiful clothing. In another phase, she tends to a thriving small business. When thinking about ordinary lives, we realize that first, we are not perfect and cannot do everything there is to do in the world. But second, we also realize that we can't do just one thing to the exclusion of all else. Many of us are mothers, but we also keep the house and feed the family and perhaps work for pay. Some of us love to make "beautiful and useful" things, to use words from Mrs. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, but we must set aside our creations when a higher priority arises. And on and on and on. Simplifying life is necessary, but we will always have multiple roles to play.

Some people say the Proverbs 31 passage is a doting mother's advice to her son on what to look for in a perfect wife. (As the mother of sons, I admit that I would like a way-above-average wife for both of them in the future, if not a perfect one. A "Fascinating Girl!") She describes a model of virtue so that he has a picture of an amazing woman in mind as he searches for a life mate.

At this moment, I relate to the first idea of phases in a good life. I want to be fully present for my husband and young children. Now is the time to work hard at that. Young children need so much time and attention from a mother, and they recognize when they are not getting it. Husbands need time and attention, and it is especially important to carve out that time and to have energy for that attention when so many of a mother's resources are going to caring for the children. It is not a pretty picture of family life to have him be last in everyone's affections; nor is it fair. As children need less time and fewer things done for them, there is naturally more time to put to financial earning and stewardship and service to others. (Do children need less time as they get older? I have to confess I'm not sure, as mine are still young. There will come a time, though, when children strike off on their own, and in preparation, they must be given increasingly greater responsibility.)

Yet we can strive to add good practices in our lives, one at a time, as slowly as necessary. Perhaps this is a way that the Proverbs Challenge for Life can be used. I, for one, need to be reminded to take on small bits of changes rather than trying to change an entire area of my life in one week. The same thing goes for trying to change several areas at once rather than one or two at a time.

How do you read Proverbs 31? Does it seem impossible? Is it inspirational?

The Valentine Bears Book Recommendation

There is a book by Eve Bunting, illustrated by the wonderful Jan Brett, called The Valentine Bears. I picked it up from the library to share with my children before Valentine's Day. Reading through it, I have been inspired to romance.

Romance is about putting extraordinary effort toward pleasing your loved one. Mr. and Mrs. Bear both demonstrated a cheery willingness to inconvenience themselves in order to make a special Valentine's Day. For starters, they woke up early from hibernation to surprise each other!

It may sound silly, but the text together with the beautifully drawn pictures inspired me to go to those extra lengths for my husband. The illustrations made me want to create one of those elaborate, old-fashioned, handmade valentines for him. For examples, there are these cards in a Martha Stewart tutorial. (Past class members of Mrs. Wayne Hunter's Fascinating Womanhood class may recognize some symbolism if they scroll to the third picture.)

Especially if you have children to read it to, The Valentine Bears is a nice depiction of true love.

A Virtues Diary

Image source

Becoming a woman of fine character is an essential aspect of Fascinating Womanhood as written by Mrs. Helen Andelin. Virtues are also addressed in her book All About Raising Children, in terms of instilling virtues in our children but also, very importantly, in terms of being virtuous ourselves so that our children have a wonderful example.

It can be daunting to think about attaining all the good virtues. Even if great personal progress has been made, it can be hard to maintain a fine character through the normal daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly cycles of living.

One exercise that might help keep one's mind on living out virtues is to keep a virtues diary. One can begin by purchasing or finding a notebook, journal, or diary and a pen or pencil that is comfortable for writing. A diary could also be kept on a computer if the privacy level is appropriate. Then one could write a list of virtues to ponder in the front or back cover of the book, or somewhere one will see it upon starting to journal.

One list of virtues compiled from both Fascinating Womanhood and All About Raising Children is:

• A Faith in God
• Self Mastery
• Honesty
• Chastity
• Dependability
• Diligence
• Love of Fellow Men / Benevolence
• Moral Courage
• Patience
• Humility
• Self Dignity
• Unselfishness / Gentle, Tender Quality

Each week, one could choose a different virtue to ponder and write about. For inspiration, one could read the pertinent sections in Fascinating Womanhood or All About Raising Children, search other resources in print or online for those virtues, or look them up in a Bible concordance.

If desired, one could set goals having to do with that virtue at the beginning of the week, and rate oneself on one's progress at the end of the week.

Husband and Wife Council Meetings: Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life

The most recent post in the Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life mentioned that weekly husband-and-wife meetings could be helpful to a wife seeking to support her husband, doing him "good and not evil all the days of her life."

What would a husband-and-wife meeting look like? There is an example given in All About Raising Children, written by Mrs. Helen Andelin.

In All About Raising Children, Mrs. Andelin suggested parents hold weekly meetings between husband and wife, with no children present. Following are some of the details she mentioned about such meetings.

When to Do It:

The meeting takes place at a regularly scheduled time and day of the week. Sunday evening is mentioned as an example, and seems to work well for many families for whom Sunday is a traditional time to prepare for the coming school and work week.

What to Do During It:

During the meeting, both husband and wife can discuss plans and challenges for the family. They can also air any complaints or differences they have between them. Honest speaking and careful, objective listening allow husband and wife to come to unity while they are in private. Then they can present a united front to the children.

Why Do It?

Coming to unity should be done in private so that children don't have the unsettling feeling that no one is in charge of the family. Children should not have to worry about the topics of their parents' fights, and they should never be asked to take sides in a parents' conflict. Even if they are not asked to take sides, they will feel extremely conflicted when they are exposed to these disagreements.

These are details and suggestions given in All About Raising Children. Fascinating Womanhood, by Mrs. Helen Andelin, recommends strategies for creating a peaceful, happy home environment and setting the stage for a husband to come home to this tranquility. After the workday, she is to listen to him rather than offer advice and is not to lay her problems on him until he has had a chance to unwind and talk, if he wishes. After this has been accomplished, however, he will be more receptive to hearing about his wife's and family's needs and challenges.

Scheduling a weekly meeting allows him to get into the right frame of mind to deal with needs, challenges, plans, and communication with his spouse.

A tip for wives of men who don't like to plan a particular time for this:

Wives of men who have not set up a time for this kind of meeting can try making a nicer-than-usual dessert on the day they wish to have a council, then serving it at a time and place when they want to broach certain topics with their husbands.

It would not be a good idea to bribe him to the table with dessert and then proceed to air complaints and grievances. It might be a good time, however, to ask if he is available to talk about the issues the wife is thinking of. The topics can be prefaced with more amusing news and family plans so that the dessert is a fun event. If he is not immediately available to talk about more serious subjects, she can ask when would be a good time for him.

The first issue the wife can bring up, when he is available, is the idea that they hold a weekly council meeting. She can see what comes of that discussion while following his lead as much as possible. It is not amiss to give honest reasons why the wife thinks it would be helpful.

A wife will know her husband best and will have an idea of whether this approach would work.

Admiration List

image courtesy of sunshinecity

It can be helpful to make a habit of reviewing and memorizing your husband's positive attributes. This is an exercise that is best begun when you want to do it least. It changes my whole attitude to my marriage and my life when I do this, and it reminds me of the very many virtues of my husband that I am sometimes in danger of forgetting.

A book in PDF form called Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood included this exercise as an assignment for a fictionalized Fascinating Womanhood course that is described in the book.

If you are interested in trying this, take a look at the longest list of positive attributes you can find. There is one at the end of Chapter Four of the book linked above, and there is one that I have also used here. Write down on a piece of paper, index card, or in a notebook each virtue that you see in your husband. Be honest and try to do it in an objective frame of mind. Banish bitterness before beginning so that you can at least start with a neutral attitude.

Many women are surprised at the length of the list of virtues that their husband possesses.

Each morning, or at a time that is good for you, review the list of his good qualities. To add strength to this exercise, begin to memorize the list in amounts that are manageable.

Fascinating Womanhood ~ Alaska Updated

image courtesy of RellyAB

This will be no surprise to most if not all of Fascinating Ways' readers, but I will mention it anyway: Fascinating Womanhood ~ Alaska is up again with new posts as well as some of the previous posts. Since October 17th, posts have been updated on a regular basis. A cause for celebration!

Month 2 (Verse 12): Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life

It is time to make a Month 2 goal, for anyone who is participating in the Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life. Please see this post for the details of this challenge.

Proverbs 31, verse 12, in the King James Bible says: "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary has some interesting thoughts about this chapter in modern words. Regarding this particular verse, it says, "She makes it her constant business to do him good."

It seems that there are two points made here. One is that she will work proactively to do him good and ensure that she does him no evil. The second point is that she will do this consistently, without stopping, for her whole life. In fact, when translated into English, it seems that she is to do this for the remainder of her life, whether or not he is still living. I may be taking this point too far. However, any children they had together would certainly still fall under her loving care, as would the care for his memory.


Working proactively to do my husband good is different from trying in a vaguer sense to "be a good wife." Trying to be a good wife is a wonderful goal. Setting myself a specific task that will benefit my husband is more likely to achieve results.

A caution I have to give myself in this area is to make sure it is something my husband would agree does him good. It should not be something that in my imagination does him good, but in real life may be something distracting, irritating, or irrelevant to him. Any step I take this month will be done in consultation with my husband.

Fascinating Womanhood is a fantastic book for showing women what things benefit their husbands - that they may not realize - and what things harm them - that again, they may not even realize.

This is clearly an ongoing challenge. It seems a bit overwhelming to constantly do a husband good (and no harm). It might be that a weekly or monthly meeting between husband and wife could help a wife tread that path. Mrs. Andelin, in her book All About Raising Children, encourages a weekly meeting like this.

Please feel free to comment with your own goals for the month, or simply to say that you have a goal for this month. As always, anyone is welcome to join in at any time. Of course anyone is free to join without publicly commenting, too.

Note: I apologize for the lateness of this post. It had been scheduled to post on a specific day, but never did.

Models of Fascinating Womanhood

To read about a couple of interesting examples of Fascinating Womanhood from books, see this post from Oil of His Grace.

A bonus (to me) was the mention of some of my most beloved books, the Anne of Green Gables series.

The Importance of Being Whimsical

"Moody Dog" warning sign: image courtesy of Another Seb

What is being whimsical, exactly?

Here are two definitions from Google Dictionary:

1. Playfully quaint or fanciful, especially in an appealing and amusing way.
2. Acting or behaving in a capricious manner.

Sounds familiar to fans of Mrs. Helen Andelin, does it not? (See the book Fascinating Womanhood to find out more about the two sides of an ideal woman.) Playful actions often have a huge appeal for husbands. After a day full of business, details, hard work, or even boring but necessary activities, they appreciate coming home to something more lighthearted.

We might have capricious ways naturally but try to hide them or suppress them while we do the important work of keeping the home and family healthy and happy. This is a reminder to let changefulness and teasing playfulness come through in our actions sometimes.

What are some ways to do that?

• One day, wear a type of outfit you would not normally wear, especially if it is more feminine or colorful than usual.
• When you are both relaxed from daily cares, ruffle your husband's hair and say how much you like it all messed up.
• Let your husband hear you singing in the shower or at your chores.
• When you feel angry at him, really let out your inner child. Stomp your feet, pout, maybe even use a higher voice than normal to say (remember Mrs. Andelin's advice to exaggerate!) just what is the problem.
• Flowers are often perceived as whimsical - use them in any way you like. Perhaps you can fill the house with them on occasion.
  

What are some other ways to be whimsical? Please share in the comments section if you have ideas; sometimes altogether wonderful women have a hard time putting playfulness into their lives.

Additional resources:

• Fascinating Womanhood by Mrs. Helen Andelin (see "Where to Find the Books" at the top of the page for how to get a copy of this book).
• Here is a good article about how to use playfulness in communication.