Is It True? Is It Kind? Is It Necessary?: Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life

 
"Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?"

I first read this series of questions on a blog post by the author Deanna Raybourn. It inspired me at the time, and I think it is helpful for my personal Proverbs 31 goal this month. The goal has to do with avoiding gossip so that my husband can trust that I will not gossip about him.

This article is a nice anecdote about the way "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" can be used with children.

Trust is the overall theme of the Proverbs 31 Challenge this month. Trust and respect for one another are intertwined. When one respects a spouse, it is easier to trust that the spouse will make decisions that will be good for both people in the relationship. But respect does not insist on that condition. Respect for another human being allows the person to make his or her own decisions whether or not someone else thinks they are good decisions.

This article about trust in a marriage lists some actions that an untrusting spouse might do, such as checking cell phones or phone records. A first step to repair the lack of trust might be to refrain from those actions, even if it means sitting on one's own hands. A second step could be journaling or talking to a trusted, wise counselor, minister, or friend about the lack of trust.

There are many snares in the everyday life of a marriage that can lead to distrust. One can easily imagine that one's husband will do a task the wrong way, or not as well as oneself might have done it, or that he will forget it altogether. Too many of these kinds of thoughts in a day does wear on the state of a relationship.

I like this other filter-question for everyday trust issues: "Which is more important? The way he does that task [or fill in any other doubt] or our love and marriage relationship?"

Fascinating Womanhood on Television Today

I just saw Fascinating Womanhood (the version with the pink and white cover: 1963) on CBS Sunday Morning.

Mo Rocca was interviewing Roseanne Barr. I did not see the segment in its entirety, so I can't say how the book came up or was introduced, but I saw him open up the book and read some excerpts such as, "Do not roar at jokes."

He said, "It seems like you do a lot of these 'don'ts'." They laughed.

Did anyone else see the segment?

The Importance of Service

Service takes us outside ourselves so that our lives are not lived inside a very narrow experience. The more engaged we become in service, the more engaged we become with life itself.

Although we do not want to stay completely within our own limited circumstances, one of the best people we can give service to is our beloved. We feel closer to, and more intimate with, those we serve.

A marriage can be like a special plant. If the plant is not watered or cared for on some days, it may not die. It may continue to look like it did before. Though its appearance is the same, it has lost some of its resilience because of the lack of attention. It will not be able to live for long without that attention and it is more vulnerable to storms or drought conditions. If it were cared for each and every day, it would have more strength to deal with challenges ahead. Rather than just appearing the same, it really would be the same healthy, growing plant.

It seems that marriage is perpetually going in one direction or the other: growing, or wilting. Every day that we give it special care, it continues to grow. Every day that we put off giving it attention, it becomes less resistant to troubles and some of the nurtured and beloved feeling slips away.

Book Review of 168 Hours

Photo by kojotomoto used under Creative Commons license

The book 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think, by Laura Vanderkam, is not targeted to fascinating women, so readers here may not have read it. It is a well-written book that makes a few good points, but fascinating women will heartily disagree with its premises.

It is important to note, as Ms. Vanderkam does, that we all choose what we do with each hour of our lives. When we do not do something, it is usually not because we don't have the time. It is because we don't choose to make the time. This doesn't mean we are wrong to choose not to make the time. Ms. Vanderkam emphasizes the importance of planning a decent night's sleep, for example, which is right to do. Most people cannot do their best work when they don't sleep enough; therefore, choosing to use sleep time to do something else is not very effective.

The author's main ideas of optimizing time and outsourcing inessential tasks (mostly domestic tasks, in her book) are not fascinating-friendly. It is a purposeful and wonderful practice to plan the most important things into our schedule first, and only fit in the less important things if there is time after those most important things are scheduled. Optimizing time in that way is essential for a fulfilled life. However, to try to fit in work, work, and more work does not help a woman to become fascinating.

Several times throughout the book, Ms. Vanderkam urges her readers to outsource everything that is not a "core competency;" that is, something they can do better than anyone else can. Nurturing their own children is given as an example. It is too bad that quality time before and after work is the time she recommends that they set aside for this. A few people who like to cook are encouraged to try it once or twice a week, but otherwise, she says, it is liberating to hire someone else to cook for the family. Any domestic chore, in her view, is an unfortunate necessity that can be hired out. Laundry, organizing the home, cooking, house cleaning, choosing one's wardrobe, and child care during main working hours are all examples given of things to pay someone else to do.

First, quality time is not always best when it comes to children. Quantity time can work wonders. Time sitting around while children make mud pies can be just the time needed for a child to be comfortable voicing his or her deep concerns. Parents who "maximize" the time spent with their children by reading to them, going to museums with them, and putting them to bed are doing a few fantastic things with their children. These may make a huge difference in their children's lives. They are not, however, having enough downtime with them to truly relax in their presence and to allow things like deep thoughts to come up the way they do: slowly, inefficiently, when people are comfortable enough or off their guard.

Second, what will children of these parents learn about domestic chores? What if, sometime in the future, one of these children wants or needs to do some domestic chores on their own? They will have to start from scratch, with no knowledge of how these things are done and no memory of seeing them being done. This includes such life-sustaining basics as cooking, vacuuming, and getting clothing clean.

Third, isn't there something to be said for having done certain things with one's own hands for one's family? Is it just symbolic, or is there some deeper need being fulfilled when a mother washes dishes, mends clothing, sorts toys, and cooks dinner with her own two hands?

Perhaps some people can be the parents they yearn to be while using the optimization process shown in 168 Hours. One topic that is barely mentioned in the book is how to maintain a good marriage. There are a few sentences about trying to schedule a weekly date night with one's spouse. Another sentence mentions that, of course, one's spouse might "sabotage" these weekly date nights by insisting he needs to work during those hours. Who can blame him when the rest of the spouse's time is organized around being able to work more so that there is plenty of money to outsource all the tasks that need to be done at home? Besides the argument that quality time is not enough for children - they absolutely need quantity time, too - there is this objection: Especially in a marriage, there are some other things in the home that should never be outsourced.

One can live any kind of life using the process in 168 Hours. Ms. Vanderkam has free time management spreadsheets available for download at her 168 Hours website. Anyone can track the way she spends her time using these spreadsheets. Then she can make decisions and plan her time based on her own deep values. I do think that fascinating women will disagree with a lot of Ms. Vanderkam's examples of how to optimize their time.

The Role of Religion in Fascinating Womanhood

Image courtesy of loop_oh, under Creative Commons license

Mrs. Andelin wrote that Fascinating Womanhood was "for women of all faiths." It was not meant to uphold any one denomination or religion but to uphold a way of living and thinking that she believed to be the key to successful marriage. On the official Fascinating Womanhood website, under Past Months and Questions and Answers, March 2002, she said: "I wrote FW to all women everywhere, regardless of their beliefs."

One may get a sense from her writings that she herself had great faith and that she thought it was extremely important, to put it mildly. However, in her advice to readers asking about church and religion issues, she did not say that they should put church above everything else. She was quite clear that the husband should be the spiritual leader of the family. Often, there were questions from readers asking what to do if the husband did not spiritually lead the family, did not have religious faith, or led the family in what the wife considered to be the wrong direction.

Reading her answers on the Fascinating Womanhood website, we see at least three categories of answers.

1: Who Takes the Responsibility?

In this area as in other areas of leadership, the woman should not "pick up the bucket" of responsibility because her husband will then "set it down." This is something to seriously consider in the area of a family's spiritual life.

She counseled women in some circumstances who had strong religious practices or beliefs - different from what their husbands decided for their families - to follow their husbands even at great cost. If the husband, for example, decides that they will not give money to the church, his wife should abide by his decision.

Regarding a husband's decision to leave a particular church that was important to a woman, Mrs. Andelin said: "If you can build a truly loving, happy marriage with happy children you can be happy anywhere."

2: Respect Religious Freedom

Each person has religious freedom that should be respected. The husband, if he believes things the woman doesn't agree with, practices his religion differently than the woman believes right, or has a lack of spiritual belief, has the right to believe, do, and have these things no matter what the woman's opinion.

Women may have their own religious beliefs and attend church even when the husband does not. When it does not conflict with the husband's leadership, church attendance and religious beliefs can be incredible sources of strength, love, and hope.

Many readers of Fascinating Womanhood are Christian or devout believers of another faith. One reader asked if Fascinating Womanhood applied to her as a non-believer. In Mrs. Andelin's words, from the same source as above: "They, however, should recognize and respect your right to believe differently."

On the other hand, she repeatedly advised turning to the Holy Spirit, to God, to church, to prayer, to sacred music when women were having difficulties in their lives.

3: Try Making Him Happy

On more than one occasion, she also said things like, "Instead of making him over, try making him happy." She did not believe that a woman would fall away from God by following her husband's leadership or preferences instead of her own.

The principles here are to ask advice rather than taking a stand on religious practices, to accept him rather than trying to change him, to allow him his freedom of belief and behavior, and to put him first rather than second, third, or even lower down in importance.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers and Fascinating Women,

I am afraid there won't be a new post for the blog for about a week while my family deals with an accidental injury to a family member. Thank you so much for understanding, and I will see you here soon.

Sincerely,
Kristy

Month 1 (Verse 11): Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life

 
It is time to make a Month 1 goal, for anyone who is participating in the Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life. Please see this post for the details of this challenge.

Proverbs 31, verse 11, in the King James Bible says: "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary has some interesting thoughts about this chapter in modern words.

For this month, my personal goal will focus on the idea of trust, and the related Fascinating Womanhood concept of discretion and acceptance. A fascinating woman accepts her husband, does not say anything critical that would be hurtful, and in addition, does not gossip or say critical things of others. If she did, it would imply that she might say these kind of things about her husband in the presence of others. Trust would be impaired between them.

My personal goal will be to keep from saying anything critical and to keep from gossiping during this month. If we speak about other people, I will try to be sure that everything I say is in the best interest of everyone involved.

Please feel free to comment with your own goals for the month, or simply to say that you have a goal for this month. Anyone is welcome to join in at any time.

All About Raising Children Review

 

The title of the book All About Raising Children, by Mrs. Helen Andelin, promises a lot. How could one book encompass everything about raising children?

There is, of course, a vast databank of information that a parent acquires while learning, day by day (sometimes hour by hour), how to care for their children. Assuming that parents have this huge bank of detailed and specific knowledge they have learned from raising their children, this book delivers on the promise of the title.

All About Raising Children covers educational philosophy and curriculum, care and breastfeeding of infants, behavior training from toddlers on up, instilling values, and an elegant framework that allows parents to gradually give more and more responsibility to their children as the children grow and learn. There is even a chapter on married adult children.

The Table of Contents is clear and helpful. Instead of an index, at the back of the book is a more detailed reference outline of the chapters. Although I wanted an index a couple of times while reading the book, I found the reference outline worked well to point me in the right direction.

Mrs. Andelin’s wisdom is staggering. She found and promoted a rewarding path for married women to follow in her book Fascinating Womanhood; this book about raising children includes just as much depth and even more breadth and practical tips.

Even the behavior training concepts, which are generally the more controversial and challenging parts of parenting publications, are well-thought-out and fitting for the applicable age groups.

It will take more than a few reads or skim-throughs to take in everything this book has to offer. Every time I open it, I find another topic of immediate relevance.

These are some of the highlights: the section on “House Appreciation,” especially useful for those who have jumpy little boys; “How to Deal with Negative Emotions,” which is a way to allow children to feel how they feel but not to bother the whole family with their outbursts; “Methods of Training,” which explains when retraining is necessary and how to do it; “Promoting Good-behavior: Ages Two to Five;” “Problems in Behavior: Ages Two to Five;” “Developing the Intellect,” a whole system for reforming education as well as teaching at home; “Help Your Child Think Confidence;” and “Our Married Children.”

It was beyond the scope of this book to fully elaborate all the details of every stage of life. Parents may want supplementary books or resources on baby care, illness, and teaching the arts. There are sections called “Musical Instruments,” “Singing,” “Art,” “How to Develop Artistic Taste and Talent,” and more, but materials that provided greater depth on these subjects would be interesting and valuable for parents.

Parents who have a strong belief in other parenting methods may not agree with every practice mentioned, but in general, the sum of this book’s reason, practicality, and inspirational parenting goals will be helpful along with the other methods.

As a mother, I find All About Raising Children to be a friendly, inspirational, easy-to-read manual for one of the very most important areas of my life.

As a person who studied school counseling, I notice a few things in particular from the book that promote healthy overall development in children. The emphasis on guidance and consistent limits is one that helps all children to learn, feel secure, and have good personal habits. What sets All About Raising Children apart from some other parenting methods is its emphasis on training, retraining, and gentle yet firm guidance that allows parents to teach their children what is expected before imposing consequences.

The book strongly supports the idea that a living example is one of the most powerful teaching tools. Parents must work on the qualities they want to see in their children. This idea is backed up by educational and health research. An author named James Baldwin had it right when he said: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

Another way that All About Raising Children upholds psychological and educational research is in its ideas about expressing emotions. It is important that children be allowed to feel the emotions they feel without suppressing them; on the other hand, it is not okay nor psychologically healthy for them to use those emotions to bother or manipulate other people. An outburst of a negative emotion like sadness, anger, frustration, or annoyance is not punished in All About Raising Children. It is, however, directed and guided so that a manipulative outburst or major disturbance to the household is removed to the person’s room. The child is allowed to feel badly, but may need to express it in the safety and privacy of a separate area. This also effectively deals with tantrums because there is no audience to give the tantrum its value.

A last note on acquiring and owning the book: The only place I know of that has All About Raising Children at a reasonable price is the official Fascinating Womanhood website which was started by the author, Mrs. Andelin, and her family. Please see the tab at the top of the page, "Where to Find the Books," for more information. These copies are thick little books but light for their size. I found that the pages needed to be handled with some care. Shipping costs are reasonable through the Fascinating Womanhood website as well, and my copy came very quickly.