Husband and Wife Council Meetings: Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life

The most recent post in the Proverbs 31 Challenge for Life mentioned that weekly husband-and-wife meetings could be helpful to a wife seeking to support her husband, doing him "good and not evil all the days of her life."

What would a husband-and-wife meeting look like? There is an example given in All About Raising Children, written by Mrs. Helen Andelin.

In All About Raising Children, Mrs. Andelin suggested parents hold weekly meetings between husband and wife, with no children present. Following are some of the details she mentioned about such meetings.

When to Do It:

The meeting takes place at a regularly scheduled time and day of the week. Sunday evening is mentioned as an example, and seems to work well for many families for whom Sunday is a traditional time to prepare for the coming school and work week.

What to Do During It:

During the meeting, both husband and wife can discuss plans and challenges for the family. They can also air any complaints or differences they have between them. Honest speaking and careful, objective listening allow husband and wife to come to unity while they are in private. Then they can present a united front to the children.

Why Do It?

Coming to unity should be done in private so that children don't have the unsettling feeling that no one is in charge of the family. Children should not have to worry about the topics of their parents' fights, and they should never be asked to take sides in a parents' conflict. Even if they are not asked to take sides, they will feel extremely conflicted when they are exposed to these disagreements.

These are details and suggestions given in All About Raising Children. Fascinating Womanhood, by Mrs. Helen Andelin, recommends strategies for creating a peaceful, happy home environment and setting the stage for a husband to come home to this tranquility. After the workday, she is to listen to him rather than offer advice and is not to lay her problems on him until he has had a chance to unwind and talk, if he wishes. After this has been accomplished, however, he will be more receptive to hearing about his wife's and family's needs and challenges.

Scheduling a weekly meeting allows him to get into the right frame of mind to deal with needs, challenges, plans, and communication with his spouse.

A tip for wives of men who don't like to plan a particular time for this:

Wives of men who have not set up a time for this kind of meeting can try making a nicer-than-usual dessert on the day they wish to have a council, then serving it at a time and place when they want to broach certain topics with their husbands.

It would not be a good idea to bribe him to the table with dessert and then proceed to air complaints and grievances. It might be a good time, however, to ask if he is available to talk about the issues the wife is thinking of. The topics can be prefaced with more amusing news and family plans so that the dessert is a fun event. If he is not immediately available to talk about more serious subjects, she can ask when would be a good time for him.

The first issue the wife can bring up, when he is available, is the idea that they hold a weekly council meeting. She can see what comes of that discussion while following his lead as much as possible. It is not amiss to give honest reasons why the wife thinks it would be helpful.

A wife will know her husband best and will have an idea of whether this approach would work.

Facing Income Loss

image courtesy of Bytemarks

It is tough on everyone when a husband faces job or income loss. Besides the obvious financial challenge, there is the emotional challenge. He will have emotions to deal with and so will his wife.

Here are some possible pitfalls of reacting based on emotion:

1. He or his wife may spend more money as a way of coping with negative feelings.
2. She may neglect child care and house care due to anxiety and brooding.
3. Either one may be so discouraged that they stop striving to be the best they can be in daily life.
4. Negative emotions may make parents more impatient and angry with children.
5. She may become more easily overwhelmed by clutter and disorganization in the home.
6. She may become angry and bitter with her husband, blaming the loss of income and feeling of security on him. He is likely to feel the same way about himself, or he may blame some things on his wife.

Here are some possible solutions to these problems:

1. To cope with negative feelings, husband and wife should take care to vent them with exercise, prayer, togetherness, and planning things to sell rather than buy.
2. She can make a plan to use the anxious energy on necessary tasks instead of brooding. For example, she may want to put extra energy into cleaning, organizing, or dancing and playing with her children when she starts to feel unhealthily worried. Scrubbing, wiping, polishing, dusting, and changing bed linens can be therapeutic motions when angry or anxious.
3. Husband and wife can encourage each other to put their best face on every day. Household tasks can still be done thoroughly; she can make sure to look her best and be cheerful; if job-hunting, he can be encouraged to shower, shave, and dress before beginning that work for the day.
4. Parents should try very hard to transform negative energy through exercise, prayer, etc., and use their very best parenting skills during this tough time. When they feel tempted to respond angrily to their children, they can take a breath and use the pleasantest voice they can. It might even help to hold both their children's hands in their own or to smooth their hair as they speak. A job loss is not the children's fault. Children cannot be perfect every moment of every day, and they probably sense the strain around the house. This might make them more prone to misbehavior instead of less.
5. A wife who begins to feel overwhelmed with fear and a sense of chaos can channel her emotions into organizing a garage sale. This will earn the family some extra money and help her clear the clutter that is making her feel disorganized.
6. Husband and wife should make extra efforts to be kind and loving and admiring with each other. Sincere compliments can be a balm in this time. If either one is feeling angry, they may be able to use a journal to express these feelings, or take a walk and think about them, instead of saying something that may cause long-lasting damage.
7. This is a good time for a wife to encourage her husband to analyze and implement his career dreams since he is having to start over in a way. At the same time as planning for his future career, he can be pursuing job openings and taking any work that comes up so that there is some income in the meantime.
8. If she is considering trying to get a job, she should first consider the likely increase in her current work: more time and energy saving money through things like couponing, gardening, making food from scratch, and selling items they don't need; more time providing a soothing, pleasant atmosphere in the home (without spending money); more time making decorations, linens, clothing, etc., rather than buying them, if that saves money; the work of organizing for a move, if they will have to move for a new job; and more time spent educating children (either continuing homeschooling or starting homeschooling if the children's public schooling will be interrupted, on top of preparing the children for the future, especially if there will be big changes in their lives).

This was an article I found helpful from www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com: When Your Husband Loses His Job by Mrs. Anita Koller. 

Admiration List

image courtesy of sunshinecity

It can be helpful to make a habit of reviewing and memorizing your husband's positive attributes. This is an exercise that is best begun when you want to do it least. It changes my whole attitude to my marriage and my life when I do this, and it reminds me of the very many virtues of my husband that I am sometimes in danger of forgetting.

A book in PDF form called Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood included this exercise as an assignment for a fictionalized Fascinating Womanhood course that is described in the book.

If you are interested in trying this, take a look at the longest list of positive attributes you can find. There is one at the end of Chapter Four of the book linked above, and there is one that I have also used here. Write down on a piece of paper, index card, or in a notebook each virtue that you see in your husband. Be honest and try to do it in an objective frame of mind. Banish bitterness before beginning so that you can at least start with a neutral attitude.

Many women are surprised at the length of the list of virtues that their husband possesses.

Each morning, or at a time that is good for you, review the list of his good qualities. To add strength to this exercise, begin to memorize the list in amounts that are manageable.